Monthly Prizes

Joke Contest Prizes: (one of the following, our choice)

• Dinner with Heidi Fleiss
• Personalized autographed photo of Heidi Fleiss, George Carlin, or one of our Laugh.com Regulars
• Laugh.com hat and T-shirt
• Neil Leiberman's CD, "How To Become Funnier Than You Really Are."

Funniest Silly Joke Winner:
I submitted my comic application to Star Search along with (2) head shots and a tape. They sent me a telescope and said, "Keep searching."

Best Valentine Joke Winner:
My wife and I have an exclusive relationship. We were invited to a Valentine's party and she excluded me.

Best Holiday Joke Winner: 
Why was the turkey allowed to be in a Rock band?
He was the only one with Drum-sticks.

End of Summer 2002 Winner:  Best Beach/Summer Joke
"Do you ever get horny?" said one widow to the other.
"Sure." 
"What do you do about it?"
"I suck on a lifesaver."
"Oh. That works?" 
"Yep." 
"What beach do you go to?"

May-July 2002 Winner: Best Knock Knock Joke
Knock-knock
Who's There
Emerson
Emerson Who
Emerson nice tits !

April 2002 winner: Best Tax joke 
The IRS should change their initials to IOS-the Internal Organ Service: On April 15th they bill you for the service of ripping out your guts. 

March 2002 winner: Best Easter Joke
A bear and a bunny are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear turns to the bunny and says, "Excuse me, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?"  The bunny replied, "No".  So the bear wiped his ass with the bunny.

February 2002 winner: Best Valentine's Day Joke
It's Valentine's Day and this old retired couple walk into the doctors office. The woman looks at the doctor and explains how her husband has lost all his sexual vigor. The doctor looks over the husband and tells him that the next time he's horny to just jump on his wife and screw her brains out, so the couple takes the advice and leaves. 
The next day the old man is back. He yells for the doctor and can hardly contain his joy. He's going on and on about how his advice completely changed his life. He says "Last night me and my wife were eating dinner and I got horny so I took your advice and I jumped on her." The doctor gives him a pat on the back and the man says "There's also some bad news though. I don't think they'll let us back into the Olive
Garden.

January 2002 winner:  Best Hangover Joke

John woke up New Years Day with a splitting hangover. He asked his wife
if he had made a fool of himself.
"You sure did. You got up on the table and started dancing.", she says
"Aww, crap.", he mumbles.
"You did, all over the furniture. We're never going back to the Smith's".
"Well piss them", he retorts.
"You did. All over your boss. You're fired."
"Well screw him. "
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

December 2001 Winner: Best X-mas Joke!

Where do the female reindeer go on Christmas Eve when their mates are busy pulling Santa Claus' sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks!

Joke Conest Winner Nov 2001:  Best Osama bin Laden Joke

There was an American an Englishman and Bin Ladin standing on top of the Empire State building.The American says to Bin Ladin "This building is made suicide proof, if you jump off it, the contours of the building will force winds up that push you back on top."Bin Ladin replies"You silly little American Bin Ladin wants proof show me this is true". The American hesitates then jumps over the side. Bin Laden shakes his head and laughs when suddenly WHOOOOOSH, The American is blown back on the roof.Bin Ladin says"This pleases me,I will try". He goes to the edge and jumps over the side.AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH SMACK!!!! He hits the sidewalk DEAD.Back on top the Englisman says to the American"You know when you usually do that trick I get mad but this time it was quite funny... SUPERMAN".

Joke Contest Winner Oct. 2001:  Best 2 Jews Walk into a Bar Joke

2 Jews walk into a bar. the first Jew orders an Arafat. The second Jew says "Why would you order a drink called Arafat?" First Jew replies, "Tonight, I just want to get bombed."



Joke Contest Winner September 2001:  Best Mother-in-Law Joke

What is the punishment for Bigamy? 
Two Mother-in-Laws. 





Joke Contest Winner August  2001 : Best Elephant Joke

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log.  So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear
across the river.  "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 53 years ago."  "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Joke Contest Winner July 2001 : Best Dirty Joke

A hillbilly teenage girl asked her father if she can borrow the car on Saturday night.

He agrees providing she give him a blow job.

As she begins, she looks up and says "Dad, your dick tastes like shit."

He snaps his fingers and responds, "I just remembered, I promised the car to your brother!"

Joke Contest Winner June 2001 : Best Political Joke

One day in front of the White House, Mrs. Bush sees a little boy pulling a red wagon back and forth.  So she goes out to see that he is selling kittens.  She asks, "What kind of kittens are those?" The little boy replies, "They're Republicans." A week goes by and Mrs. Bush sees the same little boy out front.  So she tells George Jr. to ask the boy what kind of kittens they are.  So, George goes out and asks, and the boy replies, "They're Democrats." "I thought last week you said they were Republican kittens?" asks George. "They were, then their eyes opened."

Joke Contest Winner May 2001 : Best Polish Joke

Q: How do you cure a pollock's heroin addiction?

A: Give them a plastic spoon!

Joke Contest Winner April 2001 : Best Doctor Joke

Three ladies sitting in a doctors office.
One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on top."
Another says "I'm gonna have a girl cause I was on top."
Last one says "Fuck, I'm gonna have a puppy."

Joke Contest Winner March 2001 : Best Lawyer Joke

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

Joke Contest Winner February 2001 : Best Blonde Joke

A ventriloquist is on stage with his dummy telling numerous blonde jokes. A rather sophisticated looking blonde in the audience interrupts the act and says "Excuse me sir, but I find it personally offensive in that you keep berating blonde women. I happen to be a college graduate and quite successful in my career, do you think you could find another stereotype to poke fun at?" The ventriloquist replies "I'm certainly sorry you take offense miss, it is only an act and not really my personal opinion" The blonde replies " I'm not talking to you,I'm talking to that little fella on your lap."

Joke Contest Winner January 2001 : Cleanest Joke

So a there is a monk at a monastery and he asks the head monk, "Why do we have to be celibate?" The head monk says, "I'm not sure, check the original word."  The monk goes and checks the original word and does not come back for a few days and so the head monk sends another monk down to find him.  The second monk climbs down to the dungeon and finds the first monk crying over a very old copy of the Bible.  The monk asks what is wrong and the first monk says, "The original word said CELEBRATE!!!"

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